That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
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