You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
