At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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