I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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