This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
