you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Randomize
