i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
