i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
