the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize