So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
