He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
