someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
