First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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