I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
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