dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
