i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
When did angry sex become our thing?
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
