Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
