I accidentally had phone sex last night
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
