in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
