Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
