apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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