You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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