I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
