Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
