onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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