i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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