maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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