i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
