dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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