Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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