I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
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