I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
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