He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
