She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
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