i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
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