i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
