i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
