I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
