Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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