my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
