I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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