Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
