You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Randomize
