I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
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