even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I am midnight drunk by noon
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
