question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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