Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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