I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
