I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize