my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
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