Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I have fence marks all over my body
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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