This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
