Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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