I will die if light touches me.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize
