I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
