I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
