I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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