chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize