Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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