Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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