Need sex. Gaining weight.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
