i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
