just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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