The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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