It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
