proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
