girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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