her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
