so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
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