I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Randomize
